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.45: All the DJ and author buzz that’s unfit to publish!
By BPM Smith

BPM SmithIt’s the year of the sociopath, judging by two hot novels on tap for release in 2006. In one is a serial killer who targets obese women and the other has a maniac hounding a female detective. Meanwhile, is someone terrorizing San Francisco’s club scene with the ‘date rape’ drug? Also, blind mentions galore plus the latest celebrity train wreck novelist...

New Year’s diet already failed? Read this!

We’ve been lusting for a look at Perfection, the latest novel by veteran author Walter Satterthwait since the deal was announced last summer, and this week publisher St. Martin’s sent a pre-release copy. Yeehaw! And just as soon as we hire body guards for our girlfriend, mother and sister we’ll let you know if this juicy tome lives up to the buzz.

Why circle the wagons? You must’ve forgotten, Perfection’s eerie premise is about a serial killer who targets women. Wait a minute, it says here clinically obese women. Ok, no worries! Catch Perfection in bookstores beginning February 7. Satterthwait also says he will do a quickie book tour in the San Francisco Bay Area later in the month.

Force-feed the jerk Thorazine!

Is a pervert targeting women at San Francisco nightclubs for a ‘date rape’ tragedy? We continue to hear stories of clubbers in The City -- mostly attractive young women -- blacking out and going bonkers after drinking just one or two cocktails. From what we can gather, it’s certain clowns in the club scene who are poisoning unmanned drinks with the drug GHB, either for sick amusement or in hopes of seducing an unsuspecting woman.

In once incident, a female friend who can normally out-drink us any day of the week tried bum rushing the DJ booth and had to be dragged out of Ruby Skye after drinking one Red Bull and vodka. Her boyfriend carried her home, where she was sick for eight hours and has no recollection of the night.

In another case, a DJ who spins regularly in San Francisco but lives in the suburbs had an overnight friend barrel into his bedroom and vomit on he and his sleeping girlfriend. In the morning, the beat up buddy was seen horrifying suburban dog walkers as he crawled around the front lawn projectile vomiting. He remembers nothing.

We’ve also heard of another half dozen incidents in recent months, and in at least two cases police reports were filed. However, it’s unlikely these sick losers will get nailed unless they’re observed tossing a pill into somebody’s cocktail that later tests positive for GHB. The best solution is common sense: Never lose sight of your drinks and keep an eye on your friends. While GHB has been known to kill people, it’s also a somewhat popular recreational drug for its euphoric effects in smaller doses.

Hypothetical question finally answered!

Place a pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk on a table and who wins the ensuing catfight, a 400-pounder or a detective trained to leap tall buildings? We’ll find out in May, when Kensington imprint Pinnacle releases Shane Gericke’s debut novel Blown Away worldwide. The mystery/suspense follows a female detective trying to stop a killer who has targeted guess who as his next victim? The detective, of course.

Gericke also told .45 that his agent Bill Contardi at Brandt & Hochman recently sold the Turkish rights to Blown Away.

Q not A!

Which DJ has trouble juggling marijuana and decks? This past weekend the brutha smoked a joint while performing and proceeded straight into a train wreck. First he committed the ultimate turntablist error by running five seconds of silence. Minutes later he repeatedly mumbled at the mixer, "What is it?" while bleeding two tracks together and forgetting to fade away … Which celebrity author has drowned in a mountain of cocaine since her heavily hyped book posted worse-than-expected sales? The book was discounted at certain California Barnes & Nobles stores shortly after its 2005 release, and some expect her to check into rehab in a matter of weeks … Which world-renowned DJ sported ‘plumber butt’ during a recent performance in San Francisco? In a reversal of the ‘briefs or boxers’ argument, she wears a thong.

Stop! Just stop it!

They say that ‘platform’ is becoming a pass’e buzzword but with the publishing industry continuing to churn out god-awful drivel by celebrities, we doubt it. Hot on the heels of sludge from Paris Hilton and Star Jones, Miramax Books is taking things one step further and releasing a debut ‘novel’ called Junior from actor Macaulay Culkin on March 15. Kirkus Reviews already stepped up and described Culkin’s ramblings as "scraps on a trash heap" but let’s be real, that sucker couldn’t write a grocery list while stranded at Home Alone, much less a novel. Meanwhile, the moronic Johnny Knoxville says he’s now working on his own novel but we suspect he’ll never finish the hack job since he’s a drunken Jackass. If he does complete the manuscript, odds are that publisher interest will drive his literary turd to auction.

Win big then disappear!

Has William Morris already forgotten about 2005 World Series of Poker champion Joe Hachem? The Aussie has been oddly quiet since signing with the New York talent agency in hopes of becoming a mainstream star. Meanwhile, Mike "The Mouth" Matusow, who staggered into ninth place at last year’s WSOP, has appeared on Full Tilt Poker’s Learn from the Pros on FOX Sports Net and Spike TV’s The King of Vegas in recent weeks. Maybe Hachem is busy writing that book we’ve heard rumblings about? Two executives at William Morris didn’t respond to detailed e-mails from .45 regarding Hachem’s activities.

.45 is a column from WORD’N’BASS.com Editor BPM Smith, who loves heavy bass, double espressos and winning the World Series of Poker. He is a financial reporter for a global news wire, Drum & Bass DJ, and author of 1.75 "gritty and engaging" novels. E-mail him your comments, gossip or shout-outs at editor@wordnbass.com


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